Farmer’s Christmas
It’s a story, not about the big man in red,
No, it’s more a story about his big brother.
So not the one guided by the reindeer eight
But the man who helps put Christmas dinner on your Christmas plate.
His transport is more John Deere than magical beast
Yes, I’m talking about Farmer Christmas, the brother you know the least about.
We therefore take up this particular story in a farm kitchen,
Where Farmer Christmas, with his brother, Santa Claus, makes fun
His bitch regales the story of All Hallow’s Eve,
And the anticipated arrival of Christmas Grinch, the Right Honorable Rachel Reeves.
With a single stroke of his brand new Mont Blanc pen,
It hit farms and family businesses from Wales to the marshes.
Only 500 farms would be affected, she tells us with redistributive joy.
“And let’s face it, most of them will be like Jeremy C”
But the numbers are ridiculous, said Richard Teather of the ASI.
Indeed, as fabricated as Ms. Reeves’ own resume.
Indeed, “500” per year actually equates to 15,000 per generation;
If we also consider the BPR, it’s more like 35,000 – what a revelation!
Additionally, ongoing agricultural consolidation makes HMRC statistics obsolete,
So you could add, say, 20% to that, which means 42,000 people on the tax plate.
And let’s add to those who plan and give gifts,
According to Adam Smith, 63,000 people are affected, which leads to a loss of credibility for the government.
So when the statistics tree is well and truly shaken
What falls from the tree is closer to the 70,000 farmers who are victims.
“Yes, yes, yes,” said old Santa Claus
“But what does that have to do with me?” he said after a short and awkward pause
“Well, excuse me,” said his farmer brother, dismayed.
Should I arrange a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Past?
Well, said Father C, with a gleam in his eye,
If I remember correctly, as far as Christmas ghosts go, he’s a real party animal.
“Anyway, I consider myself a public service, you see,
It’s not just a question of turnover, cash flow and profitability.
He pulled up his belt and stroked his beard,
As if it were the last word, with no other words being able to be heard.
“Yes, that’s good,” said Farmer C, looking bilious.
“But who pays for you to distribute your Christmas largesse? »
“Who works 365 days a year to finance his annual trip,
I’ll tell you, a tax base of one, me, the drip!
“Well, uh, there’s no need to go, because his ruddy face has become more reddish
We don’t need to drag out our family affairs further, making them even more confusing. »
“Well, I think so,” said Farmer C, his steps beginning to spring,
He took a sip of eggnog for a little extra oomph.
“You see, it is my labor on this farm all year round,
Allowing you to fill your sleigh and spread Christmas cheer. »
“It can be your face on cards, books, films, etc.
But who pays? Who greases the wheels of this party bike.
He immediately regretted his terrible metaphor (or was it a simile?)
But he wasn’t going to let this elephant in the room rest easily.
“You see, dear brother, while you were living offshore,
Paying my taxes and earning a living has become a chore.
Father said “Don’t worry brother, it won’t matter much,
We will get through this, we have confidence in Starmer!
“No, I beg you, dear brother, let there be no confusion
My financial difficulties are not just an illusion.
“I can’t pay for gas or leccy, let alone your ELF 100 reactor
It’s not like I can just sell the tractor.
“Dear Santa, why can’t you see that this is serious?
The Labor Party is almost done with Christmas!
“Don’t worry, don’t worry, everything will be fine brother
I made a lot of money buying and selling cryptocurrencies! »
“Bitcoin, Ether, DeFI and Memes!”
I think cryptoassets are in the family genes”
“While you have worked so hard on the earth
I worked smart, made money on the moon, got diamond hands”
“Let me get this straight,” Farmer said in despair,
“Have you traded cryptocurrencies? No wonder I lost my hair.
“Well,” said Father, barely calming his brother,
We’re both farmers now, it’s just that I’m a yield producer! »
Suddenly, finally, Santa Claus began to read the room.
“Well, my tax advisor called me the other day, which lifted the gloom”
He yelled “Brother, FIGS, FIGS FIGS, that’s exactly what he told me”
The tone of his voice was absolutely overflowing with joy.
“You and your predilection for fig pudding
I worry brother, is this becoming an addiction?
“No ho ho,” said Father C with a loud cry
“I’m talking about the new tax regime on foreign income and gains.”
“You see, I have been in Lapland for so long, my dear
And I might get frostbite where you’d rather not hear.
“But this new announcement is really a bomb
I won’t even have to pretend to be non-dom anymore. »
“So,” Farmer C said, with a bit of festive cheer.
“Let me get this straight, you’re coming back HERE…”
“Yes, maybe I can bring my foreign income and earnings, isn’t that great,
Without the tax authorities taking anything off my plate!
“I can help you on the farm. Callooh! Callay!
I’ll bring the elves and the reindeer to help us pay our way.
“But, but, but” sighed Farmer, his head in his hands,
“Haven’t you seen any more of Rachel Reeves’ confiscatory plans”
“If we do this, we will now rinse for NIC,
And with Angela Rayner’s employment rights bill, things will be really uncertain.”
“Okay, dear brother, we can park this for now,
But I want to help, please tell me how?
“Well, do you still keep the naughty list to begin with?”
“Oh yeah, I upgraded it to a naughty contract using Ethereum… now it’s smart.”
“Maybe you can put Rachel Reeves’ name in there.”
“Of course, brother, I’ll make sure she’s right there at the top.”
“Did I say,” said Santa, “I’m getting stung for IHT, don’t you know?”
“On my personal Santa Invested pension, which has only just started growing.”
“Do you have a SIPP? » said Farmer, surprise etched on his face
“Yes,” my father replied, “I set it up with St Nick’s Place.”
“But isn’t it necessary to have real winnings to fill the kitty?
I know my funding is about all you have. »
“Ah,” said Father C, tapping his nose.
“Advice! Tartlets, whiskey, etc., I have plenty.”
“But tartlets and glasses of scotch?
How to transform them into cash? Is this a YouTube I need to watch.
“Well, I collect the bounty in my magic bag,
And I put him in my sleigh and take him back to Lapland”
“During the trip, the mince pies are boxed and the whiskey barreled,
How is it going? Well, dear brother, I never asked for it.
“But then we go online and we sell everything on E-Bay
The E stands for Elf (despite what they might say)”
“So it’s magically bottled and boxed in your bag,
And you sell it on the market, a black market?
“Not black, no, no, no, it’s more like Elfish Green
I’ll tell you, you have to believe it, for it to be seen.”
“Well, I wouldn’t want to spoil your pecuniary ruse,
But I’m pretty sure this comes close to tax abuse.”
“Well, it’s funny you say that, I had an investigation, but I’m fine,
A charming inspector opened it under COP9”
“He wanted to verify the source of my funds
Generally speaking, were taxes due on these free festive bungs? »
“But he decided that they were not subject to a levy,
Although he was interested in the profits from the sale of the pies and drinks.
“I convinced him that there was no truth (not even the essential)
And if he didn’t accept that, he would be straight on the naughty list
And with that, the Christmas brothers came together as a couple,
Which proves nothing thicker than blood and, well, mutual despair in fiscal matters.
They drank and laughed as they added Reeves and Starmer to the naughty list
They drank and laughed some more until they were totally p….
And so ends this rhyming story, long and tall
All Tax Dog has to say is…
… “Merry Christmas everyone”.
By tax dog
